The little conversation today.
Me: Hey, Farica said she wanted a pillow talk with you guys too.
The guys : Pillow talk? Good. Come come. But I only have one pillow in my room :/
Then,
But I got two tilam. Let's do tilam talk.
Guys are guys :)
I'm a person who do not like to tell ppl about my personal stuff. Even to my closest friends or sisters, I bottled up my feelings. I feel awkward telling ppl about my own stuff. I felt insecure when ppl know too much about me. This is me for many years. But I do have one person in my life whom I expressed everything, just everything about me. I am my most true self when I'm with this person. I don't need to hide or feel afraid to be see through. I open up myself to this person. But sad to know, I can no longer feel so comfortable with this person anymore.
When this happen, it actually makes me feel betrayed.
But I will picked up the pieces of me. Bits by bits. And I know, many ppl will support me and wish me to be fine.
She is my doctor. I'm her patient.
I'm suffering from a dolphin illness. When dolphins swim under the sea, they dislike the sound of the magnetic wave under the sea. It hurts their eardrum yet they can't escape. The sounds were strong. To ignore, they have to risk their life and jump out from the sea. Like me, I can't ignore the hurtful memories. I will have to go through it.
p/s: Please don't believe that dolphin story. It's fiction!
This doctor will ask for my condition from time to time. To make sure I'm doing my dolphin therapy and to remind me, not to give up. Thank you Miss Doctor or you prefer to be named as band aid. I always thought I will have to go through things by myself to be a stronger person. To be independent. To be proud of myself. But I know now, I can't do it without support. Thank you for teaching me to unlock my heart. To share my problem and feel better.
The family.
I didn't tell them what happen to me. I didn't want them to worry about me. And I know they will be in trouble if they know I am sad as I always seems to be a happy girl. A girl with no worries. Their independent daughter. I know they will be even sad if I'm sad. I didn't want to trouble them. But I know, they want me to smile, they want me to be happy more than anyone else in this world.
Today, the daddy called. For the first time, I initiated some conversation with him. Last two weeks when he randomly called and asked whether is everything okay, I almost cry. But I know I can't. Let me be this strong girl, just in front of them. I don't want to make them sad. Let them know I'm happy. Today, even just a short conversation with the daddy, I feel better :)
The friends in KK.
Finally, I took up the courage to told them what happen to me. I feel lighter now. Though I know they can't help in anything. But I feel lighter, a sense of relieve as I don't need to pretend to be the always happy me. I can look sad when ever I'm feeling sad. I don't need to smile when ever I don't want.
I'm trying my best to be a stronger person.
I'll only pray for one thing,
please let me have this courage to continue. Don't make me fall into even smaller pieces.
