I hope this stay, as it it.

Listen to Taylor Swift's Back to December and he said,

"It's sad isn't it that she miss her boyfriend."

It was, for that moment, for a period, a long period.

The fact is that there's one moment in my life, I really wish I could go back to December, to fix everything. To hold my tongue, take back my word, I wish I never said I can't stand. I wish I can hold my anger and things will still be the same today like two years back. 2011 Christmas could be still the same. I could still return back to hometown with hope and happiness that time. I would never need to go through the whole past year half alive. I would never need to tears so much, so much I actually wonder will ppl get thirst because of so much fluid flowing out? It would still be the same.

But it's still the same good?

The answer is no.

The same it means, I would still cry if my ex was back late. I would still cry if my ex msg me slower when with friends. I would still be waiting for his call, his msg, his never-going-to-happen webcam and cry if he dont. In the end, I would still cry because of my insecurity. Because I was far apart from him, I felt so vulnerable that I waited him to be with all the time, even just through msg. And this insecurity, nope, to be precise loneliness in me makes me a very needy person. Someone who would cry as if the boyfriend has died even he was just bathing and reply slightly slow.

Break up was undeniably, painful. It was hell.

I never wanted to go through that again. #I pray to God for that.

But break up isnt a bad thing, sometimes. It's not that I had an awful relationship with him. It was still sweet but I realize we are more suitable to be friend. It was fun and light again. When we were relationship, we were bounded with too many things. Too afraid  a slight little action would hurt each other. And things have become too constrained. Long conversation would turn sour, eventually ended up argument. But as friend, we could tease each other again. Conversation were much lighter. We could share about our own relationship and open up like how we used to be. The best of friend.

The truth is we were meant to fall in love with each other but never meant to be together.

And the fact is, if that break up didn happen, I wouldn't have meet the boyfriend now. This guy who always think I didn love him and yet loving me unconditionally. This guy who dont know how to express his word but did it by his small action. He, who gave me a feeling of happiness and no insecurity ("for now").

It's amazing how things work in life. December was the most painful month past two years. But it was replace with happiness last year. Thank you for your 

I'm lucky for all the happiness now.

I hope this stay, as it it.

Thank you to you

I really did fall for you, I really did.

The fact that today, even we are no longer together, I'm happy that I did fell for you.

We used to have arguments when we were together. Arguments about something that I don't even remember  now. Funny it is but I'm sure I was really angry and upset when we argued. But now, I don't remember what the arguing was all about. Maybe, as an overall, yes, I know why. But the specific things we argued about, I no longer can recall (even I always said I have a powerful memory).

Just now when I look upon on my wall, I saw the butterflies decoration I did, irrelevantly, I recalled about you. It was a sudden memory. I remember the mushroom artwork I did for you. And I remember how your old house wall looks as white as my room wall now. I recalled the happy image of myself when I'm with you. I was young, naive and I was really happy.

I did, I did passed through a period when I thought I couldn't even afford to smile anymore. It was so hard that the pain in heart could never be describe. I was so fragile that the tears is just there on eyes. I was, I was so vulnerable that I didn't know what can I do to lift myself up. It was seven months ago on April fool.

Total of eleven months now from the day we ended. I thought I would never forgive you. I thought I would hate you for what you did to me. I thought our memories will haunt me forever. The fact now is the memories will always be there, always. But it never haunt me. Instead, I still feel happy recalling. I used to stop myself to recall about it because I was afraid to fall in pieces. I was afraid to feel the heartache again. Now, even the love isn't there anymore, these bits of memories are still part of me as a wonderful journey.

A walk to remember, thank you.

Except thank you and sorry, there is no other words I can say to you. I would wish the best for you because I truly believe you deserve the best.

The moment you told me I was the most true person.
We ended in a good way.
And that's the best compliment from you.

I'm a happy girl now. No worries :)

The Last

I tried hard to avoid you in my mind.

"Acceptance is the bitter pills that one have to swallow everyday to leave yesterday sorrow. No one heal by digging it deeper."

But sometimes, I would just wish I could stop being strong for a while. I wish I could just reminisced it for a while though it hurts. Sometimes, I just wish, wish to let those memories flow out a little bit, I'm tired of holding and fighting it. Just be weak for an hour, cry, to go on for the next day. Can I?

很愛過

For you,

Just wanted to say,

Thank you for everything you had did for me.

Simplicity

Simplicity in life.

Sometimes, life can be so complicated that you feel like suffocating.

I wish, I really wish I could wake up some day feeling so contended with my life. Feeling so free. Free of pain, free of problems. I just wish I could have a simple smile from the heart within.

I wish this day could come quickly.

Yes, I don't have the patient because I started to lose track. I just want to be happy. I just want to wake up and feel like I am myself again.

Sometimes, when I woke up, I thought it was just a dream. Or I wish my dream was my reality. I wish I live in that perfect dream. And this reality was just a nightmare.

It's not that I'm okay. It's just I didn't know how to cry in front of another person.

I wish I could live this simple life.

Looking at the nature everyday. Looking at the sea. Knowing that if I work, I will have food. Sitting by the seaside, listening to the birds, sound of the wave. If I took a nap, I woke up, I'm still where I am.

But now, I'm afraid to even fall asleep. If I do, I'm afraid to wake up.

Heart balloons

I rmber you telling me that you always give me heart balloons and force me do no chores =)

This little thing, I still rmber. And feel sweet though I no longer own it.

Thanks for the memories ♥

Kenangan Terindah

Appreciate is the word that I never learn =)

It's true that I am so stubborn. It's true that I took things for granted. It's true that I assumed everything that you did were something you should. It's true that I was being so unfair to you. It's true that you are the victim. And to realize now, sorry is just ain't enough. Sorry doesn't turns things back. Sorry can only be a word to regret for your past and hopefully, make a difference in future.

And this is what I learn now, appreciation.

The past memories were so happy and vivid. But it turns into scars when everything turns up side down. It turns into something I was so afraid of. It's a past I used to treasure so much, so much, so precious. Yet, I make all these my scars and a cause to my tears. Something can't be forgot for both good and bad.

But I realized, I can't make this memories as my scars. It can't be my phobia. It has to be some precious memories. It can't be change even to now and it will not. Definitely not.

Instead of thinking this as my scars, I will keep it as the best memories =)

And I truly understand this now.

Aku yang lemah tanpamu

Aku yang rentan karena

Cinta yang telah hilang darimu

Yang mampu menyanjungku

Selama mata terbuka

Sampai jantung tak berdetak

Selama itu pun

Aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

Darimu, kutemukan hidupku,

Bagiku, kau lah cinta sejati

Bila yang tertulis untukku

Adalah yang terbaik untukmu

Kan kujadikan kau kenangan

Yang terindah dalam hidupku

Namun takkan mudah bagiku

Meninggalkan jejak hidupku

Yang telah terukir abadi

Sebagai kenangang yang terindah

I always sing thins song last time but never felt so deeply as now.

"As long as my eyes are open, till my heart stop beating,

As long as that,I will afford to miss you.

If what written for me, it's the best for you.

I will make you as my memories, the best one in my life.

It will not be easy for me to leave your life

What that has been craved will always the best memories."

And, I always believe in this.

Sometimes, if you truly love someone, you have to let them go their own way. And if it's true love, it will find it's way back to you.

♥

The darkness

I wasnt suprise that I'm not afraid of dark now. Today, new challenge comes to life again, just every time I'm in KK, something new will happen to test my independence and to conquer fear. The whole hse was in dark now because hse owner forgot to pay electric bill. Rush under the rain to the Sabah Electricity Center and paid up the bill. Back home, it was still dark. They promised to fix it at 5pm but it's still the same till now.

Last semester when my car tyre tore off, I find a way to fix it all by myself. Realizing there is no single number you can call when you're in trouble, it's sad. But I manage to fix my car tyre by asking help from stranger, I'm proud of myself that I made it. I'm more independent. This time, another problem came. But I wasn't that impressed with myself anymore. The feeling has change. In my mind, I'm no longer proud whether I can be independent or not. It doesn't matter because after all I have to do it myself. This is what I have to do. Nothing to do with independent, it's just something you can't ask help for. I realized that.

Back home, it's all dark and I'm not even worried that I'm alone. I had gone through a darker road, I would not be afraid of dark anymore. I bath in dark with no single fear. It's just how amazing painful experience can influence someone in life. You will no longer fear when the things you most fear had happen in your life.

I'm not afraid of dark anymore. But, I'm afraid of sleeping.

It sounds silly. But that is what happen every night when I goes to sleep. I'm scare. I need to sleep with movies sound. I'm afraid if I let my mind to be free before I sleep, I will think. I will recall back memories. I don't want. That's why I keep the sound to distract me to sleep. Just now, I accidentally fell asleep without setting sound and the picture of you kissing my forehead came across. I can still feel that moment so vividly. Bad. I really wish I could sleep like a normal person. Please.

To a friend

Yesterday and today weren't easy. You walked out. When I was packing ytd, I came across a letter you wrote to me. You told me you will stay by. You told me you will wait for me. You told me not to worry. But you walked out they way you wanted.

You told me you felt guilty towards me. You told me you're empty. But you don't need to. I can't understand how complicated your feelings is. But I dont need you to feel guilty towards me. I'm pitiful but the moment you decided to leave, you know this will happen. Like what I told you, I trusted you but you just give it away. You make me to trust you, to believe every words you told me, in the end you walk away the way you wanted. So stylish then don't come to apologize. Because sorry wont heal a broken heart. At this moment, sorry is just a meaningless word.

For all this, you just proved me right. You just proved me I'm right to feel insecure from the beginning. You left without a sign. You prepare yourself with a parachute but leave me falling from the top.

You wanted to know are you a bad person. I can say you are not a bad person. I never believe you are a bad person. It's not sarcasm. You are not a bad person. But what you did hurt me and it's only me. So, it doesn't matter what ppl think about you and no ppl can justify you are a bad person or not except me. You're very mean after you left. But I still believe you are true when you are with me.

I hope what I believe is right.

And you, please. Please be good to me since we are still friends. If I can accept you truly as a friend, I don't see a reason why you can escape this. Please do take care of your life too. As what I see, you seems to be floating in the middle of the sea. Very freely but aimlessly. Take care, my friend =)

Did you love me like the angel

I think everyone will go through this. A feeling of wanting something back so badly, so desperately but no. You can hope, you can imagine but the result will be the same. Something you wanted will not always be on your hand. This is life. Whether you like or not, this is reality.

There are many life quotes we read everyday. So many that can be related to us. Some bring us hope but some just called us to give up.

I rmber this quote.

"If a person leave your life. Let it be. Because it means that the person journey in your life has ended. Do not hate this person."

It's meaningful and it always related to a relationship or a friend. Someone very dear to you had leave your life. You couldn let go because that person had stay in your heart for very, very long. You couldn let go because that person has completed your life for so long. You're indulged in it. Like you immersed in a quick sand. Hard to pull yourselve up. But at the end of the day, you just have to right.

You can't beg a person to stay with you. It's meaningless. So what you're in pain. So what you pass your days with tears. You cannot just force a person to stay in your life to make yourself happy. The world dont turn for you. Another person dont live for you.

It's sad. But you just have to face the truth.

For you,

did you love me like the sun

did you hold me like the mountain

in the years of you and me

did you love me like the angel

you've gone away

you said you'd stay

when the road was in your hand

did you love me like the angel

when the wind would set you free

would you love me like the angel

This is for you my friend. I wish you the greatest happiness in your life =)