I hope this stay, as it it.

Listen to Taylor Swift's Back to December and he said,

"It's sad isn't it that she miss her boyfriend."

It was, for that moment, for a period, a long period.

The fact is that there's one moment in my life, I really wish I could go back to December, to fix everything. To hold my tongue, take back my word, I wish I never said I can't stand. I wish I can hold my anger and things will still be the same today like two years back. 2011 Christmas could be still the same. I could still return back to hometown with hope and happiness that time. I would never need to go through the whole past year half alive. I would never need to tears so much, so much I actually wonder will ppl get thirst because of so much fluid flowing out? It would still be the same.

But it's still the same good?

The answer is no.

The same it means, I would still cry if my ex was back late. I would still cry if my ex msg me slower when with friends. I would still be waiting for his call, his msg, his never-going-to-happen webcam and cry if he dont. In the end, I would still cry because of my insecurity. Because I was far apart from him, I felt so vulnerable that I waited him to be with all the time, even just through msg. And this insecurity, nope, to be precise loneliness in me makes me a very needy person. Someone who would cry as if the boyfriend has died even he was just bathing and reply slightly slow.

Break up was undeniably, painful. It was hell.

I never wanted to go through that again. #I pray to God for that.

But break up isnt a bad thing, sometimes. It's not that I had an awful relationship with him. It was still sweet but I realize we are more suitable to be friend. It was fun and light again. When we were relationship, we were bounded with too many things. Too afraid  a slight little action would hurt each other. And things have become too constrained. Long conversation would turn sour, eventually ended up argument. But as friend, we could tease each other again. Conversation were much lighter. We could share about our own relationship and open up like how we used to be. The best of friend.

The truth is we were meant to fall in love with each other but never meant to be together.

And the fact is, if that break up didn happen, I wouldn't have meet the boyfriend now. This guy who always think I didn love him and yet loving me unconditionally. This guy who dont know how to express his word but did it by his small action. He, who gave me a feeling of happiness and no insecurity ("for now").

It's amazing how things work in life. December was the most painful month past two years. But it was replace with happiness last year. Thank you for your 

I'm lucky for all the happiness now.

I hope this stay, as it it.

Yellow

Have you ever look at someone and thought of their colour?
It's just a feeling when you're imagining or looking at the person face, and miraculously, you found some colour for that person.
It is something natural and not just about the colour they like or the most wear colour.

This is something my sis and I do.

Once, she told me I was pink and white to her. And it has been these two colours for very long. I assumed it was because I was always girly. Then, when she see me again this time by February, she said my colour changed. It is now yellow. Because I gave her a bright and bubbly feeling now. She didn't know how to describe it but the colour just change as see me.

I do notice the same change in me.
I am, indeed, happier :)

In the past year, I have struggle too much to appear to be happy. I still remember the day where I was smiling in front of ppl but the next minute, in toilet, I gave a big sigh. And my eyes easily turn red when I listen to just any slow song in the radio. When I drive alone, I gave all out and let the tears flow. I have gone through all this.

Today, I no longer tears for the past. And my smile is the most sincere smile of all. Because I went through the most painful days, the most heartfelt cry and the most bitter smile, my smile today is a true happiness. It feels like you climb a mountain for years and now, I finally reach the top, enjoying the most scenic view. Of course, at times, I look back on the journey I struggle, it was long and painful. But, I have reach the top, I have made it. My journey has made me stronger and grateful.

Maybe this what my sister sees in the yellow.

Sparks

Strange but true.
You may received a skip of heartbeat from the one you may not even love.

Crush? Maybe, perhaps, I'm not even sure.

I have been telling many people about sparks. The chemistry between two persons which is so miracle that I couldn't use any words to describe that magical feeling except for the word, sparks. They don't get it. They called me to describe. It's hard to describe unless you really feel it. If you insist, I may said it's a glimpse of sweetness mixed with happiness and you just feel like your feet are lifting on the skies. Pure light weighted of yourself with slight increase of heartbeat. It's truly a magical feeling.

It doesn't really involve love. Love is a heavy word, for me at least. I never used the word love on someone unless of course, when I'm very sure. Or maybe after we went through a thousand moment of sparks? Hahahhaaha!

For me, I have encounter this moment of sparks with many different person. It's all different situations and it may happen to the same person again (only to the person I'm close with). Yes, sometimes I may even confuse, am I really falling for this person? Or maybe crush? I can't tell. I didn't want to think too much and most of the time, I will just enjoy this sparks.

There was once I was working on a project. This person whom I'm quite close with at that moment, came to  offer help. He wasn't really helping much actually. He was basically just sitting next to me and chat with me. Then, we started teasing each other. He said that I'm dumb in doing things (everything practical, I'm dumb, I admit) and I protested till death and denied and yet, helpless doing dumb thing which I cant explain either. And he helped out with his teasing look upon my stupidity. It was really something there as I actually can't resist smiling when he said I was dumb. A slight sparks I would said. What else if I could still feel slight of happy when I was being insult. Maybe because of the quiet environment and they were only two of us there that lead to this something.

There was once I was quite tired because I was walking here and there doing something. While I rest, leaning on a table, this person came and smiled. Well, he has the most comforting smile ever :) He asked whether am I tired. Undoubtedly a yes and I said my shoes was too flat that cause my leg pain. Then, the most amazing thing happen!! He gently pulled my leg, take off my shoes and massage my foot. OMG how can I don't feel anything? I WAS SERIOUSLY VERY TOUCH :'( Okay, maybe it was a wrong feeling of mine, isn't sparks but plain touch but but but it's still, I can't describe. I was stun. I didn't even react. I just look at him, massaging my foot. I really never expect something like this from him because he was never a caring person. That moment still remain as a part of the sweetest memories now. It's still unbelievable till now.

And there are some moments which is just very short but delivers a comforting feelings. Moment like a person lend his hand to you when your hand are cold. Moment like a person pat on your head. Moment like a person would help you to take something just so you don't need to bend down. Moment like a person walk behind you to become your pillar when you fall. Moment like a person help you cut something because afraid of you will get cut. All this may or may not be sparks. But it makes one appreciates.

I don't think I fell for them even for all the this sparks. I don't think I fell for them for all this comfort feelings. Till this moment, I'm conscious that they are my friends and no extra feelings. I just enjoy these moments but it doesnt involve love.

Strange. And one always said you fall in love because you have extra heartbeat for someone.
But I'm conscious enough to tell the difference.

The bonding

At time in our life, there will be a stage where we start walking further away from our family. Teenage. It was when we were start growing up from a child. We start to be very close with our friends, tell them things more than to our family. Thinks that our family didn't understand what we had in our mind, our thought. We talk about what we wanna do in our future, how fun it would be hanging out with friends when ever we like, as much time as we can, no curfew. We wanted that freedom, a loose string from the family.

I remember when they asked which finger you favored most. I choose the index finger. A pyschology test again. It represent friends. It  means that I treasure friend the most of all other relationship. The thumb represent family, middle finger represent yourselves, ring finger of course to your lover and finally, the pinky represent children. I remember my dad choose the thumb and my mum choose pinky. I didn't understand at that time, how come, how come they dont choose index finger? I mean, we used that finger the most. Psychologically, I put my friends in the first priority at that time. To my parent, indeed, family was the most important at their stage of life.

Last time, I didn't understand how come people treasure family more. Now, I have an answer to it. It was because I was still young.

At our teen, we didn't really go through many things. We were just growing up from a child who use to say "don't want friend you!" to a friend, then be friend back the next day, had silly argument (a fight over eraser?) and the cycle goes. We were that immature as a child. We grew up to have sincere and close friend who we know we are friends no matter what argument it is. That friends might annoyed us, yet we were make friends and talk a lot about ourselves. We share secrets and give opinions based on our own teenage thinking.

As we grow older, as we go through more and more sour things, we tend to turn back to our family, our parent. Although we didn't share a single things with them, no heart to heart talk, we would still feel the bonding.

When something bad happen to me, I never tell them a single thing. I never cry in front of them, not my parent, not my sisters. It's not because I didn't want to share. It's not because I'm not close to them. It's because the least thing I can do for them, it's to make them not to worry about me. It's a heartfelt that I didn't want to trouble my family, I didn't want them to know I am sad or I go through shit because I know they will be more unhappy than anyone in this world to see me sad. It's a natural obligations as a daughter, a part of the family to want your family be happy. What can they do if they know I'm sad? They will just feel helpless. And knowing that they are helpless make you feel worse because of the guilt. The guilt to make them sad for you are the reason.

I would rather to see they are happy. At least, the pain in heart cure a little to see the smile of your family members. At least, the hidden pain worth it because you know your family wanted you to be happy. Deep down you know, they wish the best for you more than anyone. And you will know, they support you.

I want to be happy for I know, they truly wish this for me.
This is the bonding of a family that I start to feel it.

Memories are amazing things

It's remarkable that I have exceptionally good memory on things I have seen and gone through. I remember ppl well, the things that they did, the things that I did, felt, speak, talk and everything revolved around me. I remember my friend stories well too as long as I was part of it, I remember.

I used to hate this little talent of mine. Because I used to think that my good memory of remembering my bad past time would affect my happy times. I couldn't smile more because the sad memories will be replaying in my mind again and again. But I learn now that this brain of mine is a great thing.

Talking back with the old friends about our golden days back in about 10 years? Yess, I still have those vivid memories. It's an amazing thing. It just feel like yesterday. And what I appreciate the most is I still remember the details.

Memories fade as it goes. But I'm fortunate that I still can remember all these happy times.

Today, I treasure.

And we spoke about life. TanMingMing said she was and is always a happy person no matter how things happen. There were down times but she is still a happy person. She is happy with her life.

For me,
I am contended at this point. I see more people in my life and not just particular one person. To my surprise, there were many who would still care for my happiness and appreciate my existence. There are still people who would came and ask how am I out of random. And there are still people who enjoy my happiness and laugh at my clumsiness. They are still a lot of people who see me as who I am from the beginning. I didnt realized till this very moment. So yes, I am contended. And I think, finally, ohhh finally, I'm not that childish anymore. I've grown up and learn to live not only wanting people to appreciate me or to put me in the first place but to wish for other people happiness.

Little reason to smile #8: Memories

Sharing is caring

To let people care about you, it's actually being fair to them.

We always want to be a strong person. To go through everything by our own. Never be dependent on people. Try to be tough, try to act tough and think we are tough. At time when we are weak, we won't want to give up.

We think that to go through ourselve is a less burden to other people. That's why some people dont't share. Dont talk about themselves. So people around them wont need to worried about them.

But this isn't fair to people who care about us.

Because, people who care about us want to know what happen. They care, they dont want to face your fake smile. They care, they want to know. They may be worried. But they are more worried if they can see through your eyes and yet, you are not telling.

To hide from them is denying their help. To make them feel helpless, it's the worst thing you could do to ppl who care about you.

In Glee, there was a lady with OCD. She attend psychological therapy. She told the Dr.,I dont need help because this is me. I have OCD, this is me. I dont want to change because this is me. Then, the Dr respond, this is not you. You can't say we dont need to help a diabetes patient because this is what the patient is.

The Dr continued, "I was suffered with depression when I divorced with my husband. I'm like you, I think I dont need help. You know how I recovered? I start to recover when I realized I need help."

I couldn't agree more.

When I gone through something bad in my life. I always think that I should go through it alone because I want to be a tough girl, never want to be dependent on ppl. I dont want to be a baby, searching for comfort everywhere. I dont want to be vulnerable. I dont want to cry. I just want to hide myself and go through it alone. Even to the closest friend and sister, I fake a smile and bottled up feelings.

Till one day, I couldnt anymore. I was in my most vulnerable state (I hate how it was). I realized I couldnt do it anymore. I seek for help. Alot of help. From the closest friend, sister and friends. Never in my entire life I'm so open to so many ppl.

But it do feels ALOT BETTER. You can never imagine the support and how these ppl make you feel. I can only say they are amazing. They are all amazing people in my life that I really, really wish they can stay happy everyday and wish the best for them. I would never forget the things that they'd told me. Warm my heart and touch for the rest of my life.

"I will feel annoyed when people told me about their stories. But, believe me, I will never feel annoyed by your stories. You can find me everyday and tell me. I will go through with you."

"I never blame you. Because I know you will always choose the right thing."

"You will be hurt. It's painful. There is no way we can heal you. But we can accompany you more to make you feel better."

"You always cheer me up. Even you didnt say it out, I know you are sad. Please let me cheer you up also."

There is always a little tears when I recall all this word.

Thank you for being in my life :)

I do believe now, sharing your problem with someone (not everyone) makes you feel a lot easier than going through it alone.

A hard lesson.

In the past month, I may have attend the biggest lesson in my life. Something that really change me, change my thinking. Today, standing at this position, I feel like I have grow up a decade. I was often labelled as a little kid to those who knows me well. Today, I'm still that little kid. At least, that is what ppl said. But I realized one thing, I laughed harder than I was before.

I learn to appreciate happiness.

For I know very well, it is not easy to gain. I fell into a pieces when he threw me from his life. I was at the most vulnerable stage of my life. I know what is pain and tears. I cried and cried. I cried when I know it wont make a difference. I cried when I know it is the only things that makes the heart feel better. I cried for self pitying myself, for not believing what had happen to me. I cried for why God give me this hard way, why must I go through this. I cried for I don't know what I can do to make my days better. I cried as I really thought it was the end my hope, believe, trust and everything. I cried for insecurity in myself.

Today, I am not completely heal.

For I believe this person will not step out in my life so easily. I am not completely heal for I wasn't a person who can fell in love so easily. I am not completely heal for once I treasured this rship before. I am not completely heal for I am a person who appreciate things though it is not there anymore.

So, it is just me.

And, deep down, I'm still afraid of being too happy. As I'm afraid the next minute, God might just take it away. This is the little guilt living in me. I don't dare to live in a comfort zone anymore. I just simply don't want that comfort zone anymore.

A hard lesson changed someone :)

The song.

There are some moments in your life that will be keep playing in your mind like a song.

Replay, replay, replay.

Lyrics of your memories.

Rhythm of your life.

And these sweet memories, you can't escape from smiling.

♥

男人男人多希望你是好人

多希望用你的真让我不必再心疼

Safe & Sound

In the drama On 36 hours call, 鱼子 said,

"When human go faced sadness and death, they often questioned God, why am I the one? Why of all people, I am the one who have to suffer this? Why am I so unlucky? Human, in nature, will keep on ask why. Because they are afraid. They are afraid of pain and death. But actually it's human who forgot that, pain and death will always be a part of our life. We know from the day we born, we will die one day. So, we shouldn't be afraid. We should go through everyday in the best way we can."

Do you understand this?

All of us will have a fear in our heart, in our mind. No matter how strong you are. You will be fear of something. We try hard to protect ourselves from being hurt. We will try hard to prevent ourselves from feeling pain. It's nature. Not every one can make their day pass through with smile. Be thankful that you still have a chance to make a difference in your life. Be thankful that you are not dying tmr, you can still make a better tmr. There are so many things that can make us upset. But if we dont value our days, you will never know when God took it away. It might be just the next hour, an accident, you will be gone.

Think of the last thing you wish to do before you die. Do you wish to cry before you die? Do you wish to leave this world with tears? No one will. Yes, no one will. So, you shouldn't even cry today so it won't be the last thing you ever regret when you're gone.

Try to find the inner peace in your mind.

This song give me a little peace when I start to off track.

I remember tears streaming down your face

When I said, I'll never let you go

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone

But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling

Everything's on fire

The war outside our door keeps raging on

Hold onto this lullaby

Even when the music's gone

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound

Just close your eyes

You'll be alright

Come morning light,

You and I'll be safe and sound...

Think of a person

To those who read this:

1st: Think of a person in your life who knows a lot about you, a person whom you share most your things with. About your secret, about your thoughts and all your little behavior. A person who knows your habit and little details.

Now, thanks this person for all the patient and care he/ she would give for understanding you and hearing all your confession at most of the time. Thanks this person for being your life support and makes your days better by not bottling yourselves up.

2nd: Think of a person in your living life whom you would want to marry him/her in the next life. You may not work out with this person this life, but you still hope there is a chance in next life. Or you are happily with this person this life and you would want to continue till next life.

Cherish this person no matter what happen for this person has craved an eternal mark in your life. Appreciate this person though he/ she might not belong to you. Cherish and appreciate as you can't force yourself to let go in any way.

♥

Imagine

Imagine that there are this two persons in your life.

A perfect person with complete package that you couldn't wish for more. He's good looking, he sends you flower when he's out station, he would cook for you and give you surprises. Call you to make you feel secure and perfect gentlemen. You feel warm and protected with this person. Everything that a girl would dream for. A prince on a white horse in our fairy tales.

And,

An ordinary person with plain looks and nothing much. But whenever you see this person, you feels some chemistry going on. You don't know what happen but there's always sparks and fireworks. The sparks will somehow be there no matter how long you all didn't see each other. Ppl called it butterflies in the stomach. But, this person do not fight for you to be with him though he loves you.

Now, who would you choose?

The first person is irresistible, the second is enchanting.

I gave a deep thought of this myself. And my answer would be, if you want a perfect marriage, you choose the first person. A person who can protect you for the rest of your life though he might not be the one you love the most. It's sad to realize sometimes marriage and love dont comes along. Often, I heard ppl telling me that the person you married will never be the person you love the most. When I was younger, I dont understand. But I think I start to understand this now. Two person who love each other too much expect too much toleration from each other. They expect because they know the person they love would do this for them. They expect, it's pretty normal. How can we live without expecting? It's just like how can you live without expecting the Sun will rise tmr. It's nature. And because of this nature, they can't make it. Ended up, we married a person who we may not love the most, but love him as a husband. Adore him as a life partner. Appreciate him for his pampered and protection. Love in a way not how we used to fell in our first love. So madly, so vulnerable. Never again, because we don't expect that much from this husband as we know some place in our heart, maybe just a tiny place, we had leave it for another person, for the rest of our life.

But if you wanted love, choose the second person. You risk. You risk for a duration, a years, two years, 5 years or 10 years till the sparks no longer exist anymore. You're betting on when this sparks will comes to an end. But of course, the sparks, the chemistry is priceless. There could be a million persons out there whom can appear as a prince charming but it would not be easy to meet a person who you both share the same chemistry. It's just like you can be any Lamborghini and feel happy seating in it. But it's hard to find a carriage which makes you feel like Cinderella. An ordinary person who can makes you feel in a way you never felt before then this person is actually not that ordinary anymore. It doesn't matter whether this person is how imperfect but because of the feeling they gave you, you could never forgot, and this feeling is just right to make this person perfect enough to stay in your heart. It's true that you can forgot how a person look, you can forgot where and when, you can forgot what are you doing at that moment but the feeling they gave you, you can never erase it. This second person is the person that would stay in a tiny space of your heart forever if you be with the first person.

Bits of Psychology

Something I run through and thought it will be interesting.

Well, it's a lesson in Psychology. It's common that ppl love psychology because we always wanted to know how other ppl think and what their body language means. It's a tough one as human being are all different and we can't really tell though we might be a real expert.

So, here's something I can relate it with.

When a person laughs too much even on stupid things,

be sure that person is sad deep inside.

When a person sleeps alot,

be sure that person is lonely.

When a person talks less, and if he/she talks,

he talks fast then it means that person keeps secrets.

When someone can't cry,

then that person is weak.

When someone eats in abnormal way,

then that person is in tension.

When someone cry on little things,

then it means he/she is innocent and soft hearted.

When someone gets angry on silly or small things,

it means he/she is in love.