Sharing is caring

To let people care about you, it's actually being fair to them.

We always want to be a strong person. To go through everything by our own. Never be dependent on people. Try to be tough, try to act tough and think we are tough. At time when we are weak, we won't want to give up.

We think that to go through ourselve is a less burden to other people. That's why some people dont't share. Dont talk about themselves. So people around them wont need to worried about them.

But this isn't fair to people who care about us.

Because, people who care about us want to know what happen. They care, they dont want to face your fake smile. They care, they want to know. They may be worried. But they are more worried if they can see through your eyes and yet, you are not telling.

To hide from them is denying their help. To make them feel helpless, it's the worst thing you could do to ppl who care about you.

In Glee, there was a lady with OCD. She attend psychological therapy. She told the Dr.,I dont need help because this is me. I have OCD, this is me. I dont want to change because this is me. Then, the Dr respond, this is not you. You can't say we dont need to help a diabetes patient because this is what the patient is.

The Dr continued, "I was suffered with depression when I divorced with my husband. I'm like you, I think I dont need help. You know how I recovered? I start to recover when I realized I need help."

I couldn't agree more.

When I gone through something bad in my life. I always think that I should go through it alone because I want to be a tough girl, never want to be dependent on ppl. I dont want to be a baby, searching for comfort everywhere. I dont want to be vulnerable. I dont want to cry. I just want to hide myself and go through it alone. Even to the closest friend and sister, I fake a smile and bottled up feelings.

Till one day, I couldnt anymore. I was in my most vulnerable state (I hate how it was). I realized I couldnt do it anymore. I seek for help. Alot of help. From the closest friend, sister and friends. Never in my entire life I'm so open to so many ppl.

But it do feels ALOT BETTER. You can never imagine the support and how these ppl make you feel. I can only say they are amazing. They are all amazing people in my life that I really, really wish they can stay happy everyday and wish the best for them. I would never forget the things that they'd told me. Warm my heart and touch for the rest of my life.

"I will feel annoyed when people told me about their stories. But, believe me, I will never feel annoyed by your stories. You can find me everyday and tell me. I will go through with you."

"I never blame you. Because I know you will always choose the right thing."

"You will be hurt. It's painful. There is no way we can heal you. But we can accompany you more to make you feel better."

"You always cheer me up. Even you didnt say it out, I know you are sad. Please let me cheer you up also."

There is always a little tears when I recall all this word.

Thank you for being in my life :)

I do believe now, sharing your problem with someone (not everyone) makes you feel a lot easier than going through it alone.

很愛過

For you,

Just wanted to say,

Thank you for everything you had did for me.

A hard lesson.

In the past month, I may have attend the biggest lesson in my life. Something that really change me, change my thinking. Today, standing at this position, I feel like I have grow up a decade. I was often labelled as a little kid to those who knows me well. Today, I'm still that little kid. At least, that is what ppl said. But I realized one thing, I laughed harder than I was before.

I learn to appreciate happiness.

For I know very well, it is not easy to gain. I fell into a pieces when he threw me from his life. I was at the most vulnerable stage of my life. I know what is pain and tears. I cried and cried. I cried when I know it wont make a difference. I cried when I know it is the only things that makes the heart feel better. I cried for self pitying myself, for not believing what had happen to me. I cried for why God give me this hard way, why must I go through this. I cried for I don't know what I can do to make my days better. I cried as I really thought it was the end my hope, believe, trust and everything. I cried for insecurity in myself.

Today, I am not completely heal.

For I believe this person will not step out in my life so easily. I am not completely heal for I wasn't a person who can fell in love so easily. I am not completely heal for once I treasured this rship before. I am not completely heal for I am a person who appreciate things though it is not there anymore.

So, it is just me.

And, deep down, I'm still afraid of being too happy. As I'm afraid the next minute, God might just take it away. This is the little guilt living in me. I don't dare to live in a comfort zone anymore. I just simply don't want that comfort zone anymore.

A hard lesson changed someone :)

The song.

There are some moments in your life that will be keep playing in your mind like a song.

Replay, replay, replay.

Lyrics of your memories.

Rhythm of your life.

And these sweet memories, you can't escape from smiling.

♥

男人男人多希望你是好人

多希望用你的真让我不必再心疼

Ohh my eyes.

I can't believe my eyes sight deteriorate so much or am I lack sleep?

I actually read, "If I died in the toilet, how many ...."

Then, I start to think it makes no sense and read again. Laugh at myself , thinking how the toilet word actually came from -____________- 

Sapi Island

I realize I love island more than I thought!

Island is ♥ !

I do, do, do, do love sea alot! :O

Of course, only for blue sea :)

And the main reason for my infinite love to island and blue sea is

I ♥ snorkeling!

Since my first experience snorkeling, I always wanted to go island for snorkeling! I know, I know ppl who had experienced snorkeling with me will laughed at this sentence. Okay, so I don't know how to swim, not even close to just moving forward in the water though I'm with life jacket. So, I will need a swimmer guidance ALL THE TIME through out the snorkeling session. The swimmer, the ever kind hearted person will need to drag me along the swimming while snorkeling. And I do feel very bad at the end of the day as I will stay very energetic and happy but the swimmer half dead, tired max :(

This is what I did last weekend. I went island!

Omgggg, Sapi Island!

And ohhhh yesss, snorkelling!

And and and, meeting new friend, Jiunnnnn!

Very bright girl from Ipoh. She is a friend of my coursemate, studying at Curtin Sarawak. So, she thought of joining us for this mid semester break. I'm so thankful that she came or else I would never have this chance to go island cause my coursemates will never never thought of going island out of sudden.

And it's perfect when we both love to take picture! :)

I miss taking a ton of pictures at every inch of a place. I used to do that back in hometown with the besties. But in KK, I'm a shy person. I can't do that so comfortably. And the main reason is I can't find a photographer who not mind taking pictures of only me with the same smile and pose :(

So, this is Sapi Island :)

I think I'll prefer Manukan Island more than Sapi. Manukan is a bigger island and has more fishes to see!

The Dolphin Therapy.

The little conversation today.

Me: Hey, Farica said she wanted a pillow talk with you guys too.

The guys : Pillow talk? Good. Come come. But I only have one pillow in my room :/

Then,

But I got two tilam. Let's do tilam talk.

Guys are guys :)

I'm a person who do not like to tell ppl about my personal stuff. Even to my closest friends or sisters, I bottled up my feelings. I feel awkward telling ppl about my own stuff. I felt insecure when ppl know too much about me. This is me for many years. But I do have one person in my life whom I expressed everything, just everything about me. I am my most true self when I'm with this person. I don't need to hide or feel afraid to be see through. I open up myself to this person. But sad to know, I can no longer feel so comfortable with this person anymore.

When this happen, it actually makes me feel betrayed.

But I will picked up the pieces of me. Bits by bits. And I know, many ppl will support me and wish me to be fine.

She is my doctor. I'm her patient.

I'm suffering from a dolphin illness. When dolphins swim under the sea, they dislike the sound of the magnetic wave under the sea. It hurts their eardrum yet they can't escape. The sounds were strong. To ignore, they have to risk their life and jump out from the sea. Like me, I can't ignore the hurtful memories. I will have to go through it.

p/s: Please don't believe that dolphin story. It's fiction!

This doctor will ask for my condition from time to time. To make sure I'm doing my dolphin therapy and to remind me, not to give up. Thank you Miss Doctor or you prefer to be named as band aid. I always thought I will have to go through things by myself to be a stronger person. To be independent. To be proud of myself. But I know now, I can't do it without support. Thank you for teaching me to unlock my heart. To share my problem and feel better.

The family.

I didn't tell them what happen to me. I didn't want them to worry about me. And I know they will be in trouble if they know I am sad as I always seems to be a happy girl. A girl with no worries. Their independent daughter. I know they will be even sad if I'm sad. I didn't want to trouble them. But I know, they want me to smile, they want me to be happy more than anyone else in this world.

Today, the daddy called. For the first time, I initiated some conversation with him. Last two weeks when he randomly called and asked whether is everything okay, I almost cry. But I know I can't. Let me be this strong girl, just in front of them. I don't want to make them sad. Let them know I'm happy. Today, even just a short conversation with the daddy, I feel better :)

The friends in KK.

Finally, I took up the courage to told them what happen to me. I feel lighter now. Though I know they can't help in anything. But I feel lighter, a sense of relieve as I don't need to pretend to be the always happy me. I can look sad when ever I'm feeling sad. I don't need to smile when ever I don't want.

I'm trying my best to be a stronger person.

I'll only pray for one thing,

please let me have this courage to continue. Don't make me fall into even smaller pieces.