Ohh my eyes.

I can't believe my eyes sight deteriorate so much or am I lack sleep?

I actually read, "If I died in the toilet, how many ...."

Then, I start to think it makes no sense and read again. Laugh at myself , thinking how the toilet word actually came from -____________- 

Sapi Island

I realize I love island more than I thought!

Island is ♥ !

I do, do, do, do love sea alot! :O

Of course, only for blue sea :)

And the main reason for my infinite love to island and blue sea is

I ♥ snorkeling!

Since my first experience snorkeling, I always wanted to go island for snorkeling! I know, I know ppl who had experienced snorkeling with me will laughed at this sentence. Okay, so I don't know how to swim, not even close to just moving forward in the water though I'm with life jacket. So, I will need a swimmer guidance ALL THE TIME through out the snorkeling session. The swimmer, the ever kind hearted person will need to drag me along the swimming while snorkeling. And I do feel very bad at the end of the day as I will stay very energetic and happy but the swimmer half dead, tired max :(

This is what I did last weekend. I went island!

Omgggg, Sapi Island!

And ohhhh yesss, snorkelling!

And and and, meeting new friend, Jiunnnnn!

Very bright girl from Ipoh. She is a friend of my coursemate, studying at Curtin Sarawak. So, she thought of joining us for this mid semester break. I'm so thankful that she came or else I would never have this chance to go island cause my coursemates will never never thought of going island out of sudden.

And it's perfect when we both love to take picture! :)

I miss taking a ton of pictures at every inch of a place. I used to do that back in hometown with the besties. But in KK, I'm a shy person. I can't do that so comfortably. And the main reason is I can't find a photographer who not mind taking pictures of only me with the same smile and pose :(

So, this is Sapi Island :)

I think I'll prefer Manukan Island more than Sapi. Manukan is a bigger island and has more fishes to see!

The Dolphin Therapy.

The little conversation today.

Me: Hey, Farica said she wanted a pillow talk with you guys too.

The guys : Pillow talk? Good. Come come. But I only have one pillow in my room :/

Then,

But I got two tilam. Let's do tilam talk.

Guys are guys :)

I'm a person who do not like to tell ppl about my personal stuff. Even to my closest friends or sisters, I bottled up my feelings. I feel awkward telling ppl about my own stuff. I felt insecure when ppl know too much about me. This is me for many years. But I do have one person in my life whom I expressed everything, just everything about me. I am my most true self when I'm with this person. I don't need to hide or feel afraid to be see through. I open up myself to this person. But sad to know, I can no longer feel so comfortable with this person anymore.

When this happen, it actually makes me feel betrayed.

But I will picked up the pieces of me. Bits by bits. And I know, many ppl will support me and wish me to be fine.

She is my doctor. I'm her patient.

I'm suffering from a dolphin illness. When dolphins swim under the sea, they dislike the sound of the magnetic wave under the sea. It hurts their eardrum yet they can't escape. The sounds were strong. To ignore, they have to risk their life and jump out from the sea. Like me, I can't ignore the hurtful memories. I will have to go through it.

p/s: Please don't believe that dolphin story. It's fiction!

This doctor will ask for my condition from time to time. To make sure I'm doing my dolphin therapy and to remind me, not to give up. Thank you Miss Doctor or you prefer to be named as band aid. I always thought I will have to go through things by myself to be a stronger person. To be independent. To be proud of myself. But I know now, I can't do it without support. Thank you for teaching me to unlock my heart. To share my problem and feel better.

The family.

I didn't tell them what happen to me. I didn't want them to worry about me. And I know they will be in trouble if they know I am sad as I always seems to be a happy girl. A girl with no worries. Their independent daughter. I know they will be even sad if I'm sad. I didn't want to trouble them. But I know, they want me to smile, they want me to be happy more than anyone else in this world.

Today, the daddy called. For the first time, I initiated some conversation with him. Last two weeks when he randomly called and asked whether is everything okay, I almost cry. But I know I can't. Let me be this strong girl, just in front of them. I don't want to make them sad. Let them know I'm happy. Today, even just a short conversation with the daddy, I feel better :)

The friends in KK.

Finally, I took up the courage to told them what happen to me. I feel lighter now. Though I know they can't help in anything. But I feel lighter, a sense of relieve as I don't need to pretend to be the always happy me. I can look sad when ever I'm feeling sad. I don't need to smile when ever I don't want.

I'm trying my best to be a stronger person.

I'll only pray for one thing,

please let me have this courage to continue. Don't make me fall into even smaller pieces.

Simplicity

Simplicity in life.

Sometimes, life can be so complicated that you feel like suffocating.

I wish, I really wish I could wake up some day feeling so contended with my life. Feeling so free. Free of pain, free of problems. I just wish I could have a simple smile from the heart within.

I wish this day could come quickly.

Yes, I don't have the patient because I started to lose track. I just want to be happy. I just want to wake up and feel like I am myself again.

Sometimes, when I woke up, I thought it was just a dream. Or I wish my dream was my reality. I wish I live in that perfect dream. And this reality was just a nightmare.

It's not that I'm okay. It's just I didn't know how to cry in front of another person.

I wish I could live this simple life.

Looking at the nature everyday. Looking at the sea. Knowing that if I work, I will have food. Sitting by the seaside, listening to the birds, sound of the wave. If I took a nap, I woke up, I'm still where I am.

But now, I'm afraid to even fall asleep. If I do, I'm afraid to wake up.

The clown in my class

Today, I have a test, Vibration test. The lecture isn't an easy one. He thought us three semesters ago and we know very well his style of teaching and questions. Very unpredictable and practically, you will just smile foolishly looking at his questions. In almost every classes, he gave us quizzes. The most quizzes we had ever took for a subject. Now, he is teaching us again. For test, we expected it that though we study, we might not know a single thing =/

So, today I went in the class for the test, I sat at the corner. Then, one of my course mate who was sitting behind me, came and sit beside me. The whole class, seriously the WHOLE CLASS, laughed. Including himself and me. The class was never so merrier before that the laughter last for few minutes. Curious to know why? You'll know it soon. Another course mate voice came from behind, "Oiiii, itu dah obvious sangat copy tu". Well, basically, the whole class know that the purpose he sat beside me was to copy. But of course, he didn mean it, he always created something on purpose for the class to laugh. He is our clown. He shamefully sat back on his original place. Yet, the laughter remain. And my laughter remain.

I didn really smile for these few days. But these little moment, looking at how merrier a situation can become when everyone smile makes me feel light hearted.

Sometimes it is just that simple.

Little reason to smile #7: Being part of the happy crowd.

On the verge of eternity

追追　趕趕　推推　撞撞

目空一切　理想燒光

真真　假假　跌過　痛過

愛的花火　只給我願與望

天黑　天光　天清　天蒼

曾經廝守　暗地向往

可惜這夜　煙花已謝　沒法被仰望

差一剎　我信地老天荒

只差一步　欲望幻化星光

誰和誰存活愛　誰和誰埋沒愛

天堂在哪方

我怕就怕　失望

其餘一切也不枉

所有代價　通通捨割

心血都流光

抹去害怕　撕掉稀罕

忘情才游到彼岸

我命裏鑽不出因果

真假如浮雲　天也在看

Erase the fear, stop the yearning
Forget floating feelings that cannot reach the shore.

Safe & Sound

In the drama On 36 hours call, 鱼子 said,

"When human go faced sadness and death, they often questioned God, why am I the one? Why of all people, I am the one who have to suffer this? Why am I so unlucky? Human, in nature, will keep on ask why. Because they are afraid. They are afraid of pain and death. But actually it's human who forgot that, pain and death will always be a part of our life. We know from the day we born, we will die one day. So, we shouldn't be afraid. We should go through everyday in the best way we can."

Do you understand this?

All of us will have a fear in our heart, in our mind. No matter how strong you are. You will be fear of something. We try hard to protect ourselves from being hurt. We will try hard to prevent ourselves from feeling pain. It's nature. Not every one can make their day pass through with smile. Be thankful that you still have a chance to make a difference in your life. Be thankful that you are not dying tmr, you can still make a better tmr. There are so many things that can make us upset. But if we dont value our days, you will never know when God took it away. It might be just the next hour, an accident, you will be gone.

Think of the last thing you wish to do before you die. Do you wish to cry before you die? Do you wish to leave this world with tears? No one will. Yes, no one will. So, you shouldn't even cry today so it won't be the last thing you ever regret when you're gone.

Try to find the inner peace in your mind.

This song give me a little peace when I start to off track.

I remember tears streaming down your face

When I said, I'll never let you go

When all those shadows almost killed your light

I remember you said, Don't leave me here alone

But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound

Don't you dare look out your window darling

Everything's on fire

The war outside our door keeps raging on

Hold onto this lullaby

Even when the music's gone

Just close your eyes

The sun is going down

You'll be alright

No one can hurt you now

Come morning light

You and I'll be safe and sound

Just close your eyes

You'll be alright

Come morning light,

You and I'll be safe and sound...